The pressure of a perfect timeline

If you grew up in an Asian household, you would be familiar…scratch that, imposed upon with this concept: everything has its time and place, and you must simply follow the tried-and-tested pathway of our parents. That usually means graduating by your mid-20s, landing a good job by your late 20s, staying on that job and working hard for promotions by your early 30s, while simultaneously getting married in your late 20s and having at least 2 children by your mid-30s. By your 60s, the plan is to retire comfortably.

My parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins have either nailed it or are well on their way. The cherry on top? My little sister is the one getting pats on the shoulder from the elders because, lo and behold, she’s on track. So much for being the elder sister who’s supposed to set an example! And of all these milestones, it’s the marriage-and-children card that seems to triumph over everything else.

Now, let’s review where I stand on this “path.” Graduated by mid-20s? Tick! Got a job by my late 20s? Tick again but I switched jobs four times in five years. You already know where this is going. Still waiting on that promotion or a big, fat bonus. This is the only kind of body shaming that gets a free pass. But wait, there’s more…no eligible husband anywhere, so marriage by late 20s? Out of the question. Children? Yeah, we know the answer to that!

And that’s not even the worst part. I have a boss who nags and grunts like an overbearing spouse, stretch marks worthy of a mother of three, and the financial struggles of a household of five. And no, this is not even an attempt at self-deprecating humour! You can sense my embarrassment writing this. Gosh!

Imagine having to face all the dreaded questions from uncles and aunties at social gatherings: When are you getting promoted? When are you getting married? Have you bought a car? Have you bought a house? What are you waiting for?

Definitely not your up-to-no-good son, Auntie!

And don’t get me started on the endless lectures from the elders about how this generation thinks it’s cool to just do what they want. Yes, ma’am, that’s exactly how it should be!

So, does that make me a failure? Does it make me any less than others?

The answer is not “it depends”, Karen. It’s a firm, resounding No!

I mean, if I want to, I can get back on track. But if doing so means compromising on the things I refuse to sacrifice, like living a miserable life or adjusting to make it work, then the answer is still No.

I’ll keep changing jobs until I find one that makes me leap out of bed in the morning. I’ll keep saying no to guys I meet until I meet someone I actually want to spend the rest of my life with.

Here’s the thing: when shit gets real, you’re the only one who is expected to clean the mess. If you’re lucky, family and friends will support you, but for the most part, you’ll have to face the challenges on your own. So, take on what you are willing to handle, not what others demand of you.

Follow this path, and I promise you, it will be liberating and deeply satisfying.

However, I must warn you: this path requires learning to be confident and sure in yourself. (Ah, this could be an article on its own!) There will be moments when family pressure tries to break you, or when you doubt your choices. In those moments, think about how it would feel to compromise on something you truly cherish or to live with someone simply because others deemed them “good enough” for you.

I don’t need to lecture you on how times are changing and how opportunities are limitless. The world has evolved, and so have its demands.

So, stop feeling pressured to be the person everyone else wants you to be. You don’t owe them anything. That said, don’t be a jerk about it either. There’s a grace in living life on your own terms despite the constant noise around you.

Call it arrogance, pride, or selfishness, I call it self-assurance.

Despite the nagging boss, the stretch marks, and the financial struggles, I know I would never have survived as a doting wife, dutiful daughter-in-law, and mother, one who hadn’t yet discovered herself.

So yes, everything has its time and place, but only you get to decide when that is.